We wanted to share an exchange that took place recently.  Teens using drugs and alcohol is scary stuff and although we are told “talk to your teens” doing so and engaging them is a different issue.  They often make us feel like we just don’t get it (forgetting that we were once teens too!). In the conversation below Jeff is our licensed counsellor emailing with a parent.

Jeff:

I'm Jeff from Gobi. Welcome aboard!  I sent your teen a quick email today letting them know we're glad they got started.  It's tough when teens are doing something because their parents want them to, but I'm grateful they’ve started.  Just as we encourage them to get engaged, we also encourage you to do the same, particularly making sure there are goals and rewards for those.

Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

Parent:

Hi Jeff,

Thank you for your email.  I need help with engaging around this as it comes out as nagging/lecturing etc. when I do so. I am also still angry & hurt & scared, as a result, my teen’s choices and decisions which makes it hard to engage in a productive way and makes them think I “just don’t get it”. They also don’t seem to care about “rewards” at their age. So, I really don’t know how to bring the topic of how to reward them, up. I’m glad they are doing this program. Can you suggest some specific dialogue?

I am very grateful for this help. 

Jeff:

Your experience and challenges are, unfortunately, very common and there are no easy answers--as "simple" as the solutions usually are.  "Simple might not be easy."  

Often the best place to start is with our self.  This is challenging because we want to cry out "but I'm not the problem...he/she/they/that is the problem!"  Agreed!  AND, the present problem is our own internal reaction (unstable, natural, normal, rational/irrational--whatever) --which in turns impacts our ability to address THAT problem. 

Therefore, some thoughts to consider:

  • Firstly, great job noticing your anger and frankly your fear.  That's challenge number one.  As natural as your reaction may be, it's not your son's job to fix.  And he's making clear he's not interested in doing so.  So what resources do you have to address your emotions? That may help you find more effective ways to engage him.
  • As for bringing up dialogue, I might suggest not trying for dialogue rather than simple one-way communication: "I'm glad and grateful you're doing this program, thank you."  End of discussion.  Because you would like to have a 2-way discussion you might add something like, "I would love to have a discussion at some point to hear more of your thoughts, but I recognize now that our pattern leads to an argument, and I hope at some point it can be different."  Often, we have to look at our part in what makes the discussion turn into an argument, which is difficult. 
  • Thoughts to consider:  Often we contribute to or help create the space which in turn contributes to the other's reaction. This is different from "we cause the other's reaction" through a similar idea.  How do I contribute to my son's reaction?  How can I relate to his reaction?  Further consideration: what is it that I'm really trying to achieve?  Often, I see parents "I'm just trying to have a discussion" be an unconsciously veiled attempt to have the teen hear them and therefore change/stop/start whatever it is. 

I'll end it there for now.

This is hard work, and it's frustrating when we end up having to do some of our own work--when all we want is for the other to do theirs and change!  

Keep at it!

Parent:

Hi Jeff,

Thanks for your response and for reaching out again.  

I did find your email helpful. It was very rich in insight and I found myself having to go back and reread it several times and over several days, each time getting something more out of it. I went from feeling almost offended upon first reading it, due to my own vulnerability, to seeing things in a different light and feeling very grateful for the different perspective introduced to me. It is extremely hard work to navigate this process and to try to understand my role in it as a parent (and as a person bringing much of my own “baggage” to the table) and your email was very enlightening. 

I do find this program to be very worthwhile and I am very grateful for the information and support it provides. I think it is very valuable and I am a bit in awe that it even exists.

With gratitude,

We at Gobi are here to help support parents.  We started Gobi because we saw the need for a place where parents can get support and also where teens can be challenged about their choices.  Parenting can be terribly difficult and we hope that Gobi can be a resource to help open communications and discussions with your teen on these issues.